The Bat Knows Best
by LavenderBlossom74
Summary: After the team is deaged, some of the mentors (read: Oliver, Clark, and Barry) decide it would be a great idea to ask Bruce for kid advice. Figures. (Three-shot) Daddy!bats


"I'm telling you Bruce, it's crazy!" Oliver Queen exclaimed, his voice on the brink of panic.

Bruce (since his cowl was currently pulled back) resisted the urge to hang up on the man right then and there. His computer after all was not for social calls - especially ones regarding Oliver's incompetence with children. However, he was concerned for the continued health and well-being of Artemis and Roy if he did not help Oliver sort through his current predicament so he sighed and adjusted his grip on the sleeping two year old in his arms before going on to say, "Start from the beginning."

Oliver's shoulders sagged in relief and he nodded. "Okay, so you obviously know how much Roy and Artemis hate each other, right?" He ran a hand over his face, clearly exasperated, "Literally every second of every minute of every hour I get _Ollie tell Roy he's a meanie pants! _or _Ollie tell Artemis to stop bothering me!_ over and over, each finding different things to complain about. No joke, both of them like pancakes, right, but if Roy asks for pancakes, then Artemis demands cereal because she doesn't want anything to do with him."

Oliver looked at Bruce imploringly, "I'm falling apart over here, Bruce! Do you have any idea how hard it is to chase these two tornadoes around the house?!" At Bruce's pointed glare, he backtracked, "I mean, I know you have your own mini tornado but I have two, _okay?_ And they don't like each other, won't play together, will try to _hit_ each other-"

Deciding enough was enough, Bruce cut in, "_Oliver"_

Oliver blinked and seemed to be lost in his thoughts for a few seconds before he nodded, "Right, right, I'm getting off track." He released a long breath and continued, "So basically, after they finished destroying my house, I took Roy and Artemis to the park. As I repeatedly said, the terrible duo don't like each other… so imagine my surprise when this mom walks up to me - which by the way, I was disguised to keep a low profile - with a sobbing kid who's holding his nose. And then - and then, she told me my kid - Roy - punched him in the face. She then proceeded to chew me out for like a long time but bottom line is I end up asking Roy _why_ he punched the kid and he goes, 'He told Artemis to shut up.'"

With a twitching eye, Oliver continued, "_Roy_ said this! Roy who has tormented Artemis endlessly since Day 1! Which leads me to this conversation with you because like I said earlier, it's crazy!."

Bruce felt like his own twitch was about to accompany Oliver's. Because _that_ was why Oliver had decided to interrupt Bruce in the middle of putting Dick to sleep?!

Something on his face must've communicated his murderous thoughts (probably his fury-filled glare but that was just a guess) because Oliver gulped, "_Bruce?_"

With his free hand, Bruce reached up pinch his nose, "Oliver is this seriously why you called?"

"Y-yes?" Oliver slumped forward, "Look I just want to know _why_ and then I promise I'll leave you alone-"

And that was all the motivation Bruce needed. He sighed and began his explanation, "My theory is Roy has developed something similar to a sibling relationship with Artemis. He feels he is justified teasing her but when someone else does it, he becomes like a big brother and decides to do something about it."

Oliver blinked up in wonder in him, "You mean he sees her like a little sister? Like the whole I can make my fun of my sibling but if you do I will break your nose thing?"  
Bruce's eyes narrowed into irritated slits, why the man insisted on repeating what he had just said was beyond him. "Yes. Now-"

A delighted, if slightly crazy, smile spread across Oliver's face. "That's awesome! If he sees her as a sister, then it's safe to assume they won't kill each other, right?"

"Probably."

"Yes, prob- wait, what?"

But Bruce's patience had run out. Without another word, he ended the call, ignoring the desperate cry of "Bats, don't!"

He turned off his computer and stood, careful not to disturb the bundle in his arms. Despite his nerves being on edge after speaking with Oliver, he couldn't help but smile fondly at the chubby little cheeks and long lashes that he knew hid bright blue eyes.

While this situation had more than a few inconveniences (i.e. Oliver's complete freak out), he would still admit he was enjoying having a toddler run around the Manor.

He just hoped there wouldn't be any more calls from mentors having problems managing their kids. If Bruce could take care of his own kid just fine, then the others could too until the spell wore off. Probably.

_**AN: **_Probably, ha, more like not likely! This little thing will end up being a three-shot so don't forget to tune in for (hopefully) more laughs! Also, while the length could be better, I think this is the best option for me because it's more manageable and I can pump out a chapter in one sitting. Which considering what a horrible updater I am and the fact that I'm juggling two other stories, manageable is exactly what I need!

Thanks so much for reading and until next chapter!

~LB


End file.
